This is written in response to those who think I've changed since I started learning about autism.
A lot of the insights (and some of the words) that led me to write this text came from reading "Help! I Seem to be Getting More Autistic!". To non-autistics, I think it makes a good inside view. For me, it was very helpful both as a validation of my experiences, as well as an outside view.
...my outlook on life, since getting confirmation that the limits I've known about since childhood are real, even though no one believed me when I tried to tell people about them.
...some of my priorities, since realising that there is no point whatsoever in striving for things I'm not even interested in in the hope that I'll one day understand what they're supposed to be good for.
...the way I set limits for myself, in both directions, since getting confirmation of both my talents and deficiencies, even the ones that seem completely illogical to non-autistic people.
...how I see and value myself, my way of being and of viewing of the world, since realising that such a large part of it isn't inherently inferior, but simply fundamentally different from that of most other poeple.
...my formerly pessimistic attitude towards the human race, since realising that there are others like me and that I can communicate with them in the ways I've always tried (and failed) to with non-autistic people.
...how hard I push myself in my daily life, since I've grown tired of spending several months of each year either ill experiencing loss of skills necessary for employment, due to stress and exhaustion.
...the way I deal with environmental stressors such as loud or constant noise, bright lights and nauseating smells, since I will no longer tolerate people telling me that "it can't be all that bad".
...my attitude toward my interests, since I no longer care even the tiny bit I used to about people telling me I should "get a life", as I'm perfectly happy with the one I have.
...the way I interact with people, since rediscovering that there isn't anything inherently wrong in behaving in ways that come naturally to me and that no terrible things will happen even if I drop my brittle NT? façade.
...my attitude towards stimming?, since I no longer let the conditioning I received as a child hold sway over me, especially since I've still stimmed at need my whole life.
...the way I think and the ways in which I view the world. If you think I have, then perhaps you weren't listening to what I had to say before.
...how sensitive I am to sensory overload. If you think I have, then perhaps you were one of those who used to tell me not to exaggerate.
...what I like and don't like to do. If you think I have, then perhaps that's because I've found the courage to be more open about such things.
...my reactions to change. If you think I have, then perhaps it's because I've become more diligent in buffering myself against some kinds of change, as I've now confirmed that one really can be allergic to it.
There is a pattern here. The one fundamental thing that has changed is that I've realised that my view of the world, my experiences, my feelings, my ways of functioning and not functioning, and everything else about me is a valid way of being.
I no longer wonder if I'm crazy when someone insists that I cannot possibly experience the world the way I do. I simply conclude that the person in question doesn't know the first thing about autism. If it's someone who matters, then perhaps I educate the person. Otherwise, perhaps I choose not to.
But regardless, I no longer doubt my own self, and I'll try my best never to do so again.
© elmindreda